Presence is Different for Everyone
Why being present is harder than most advice makes it sound.
Presence Looks Different for Everyone
There’s no shortage of advice on Substack (or anywhere you look) about being present. It often looks something like:
Put your phone down.
Meditate.
Focus in on the moment.
Go on a walk without your phone.
While this is all very good advice, the more I navigate more through life, the more I realize is that presence is not one-size-fits-all. And being present becomes a challenge as responsibilities grow.
A parent experiences presence differently than someone living alone.
An engineer experiences presence differently than a writer.
A doctor experiences presence differently than a monk.
The advice we hear seems so simple, but real life rarely is.
The Tension
On a trip more recently, I felt the tension. I put a bit of pressure on myself to be present. To be in the moment. To really enjoy it.
And in fact, the trip was one of the most memorable trips we have ever taken.
But was I really present? Somewhat. But maybe not in the way the books describe.
My prime opportunity to be present was at the pool.
Was I enjoying the time? Absolutely.
Was I watching my kids make memories? Definitely.
Was I also constantly scanning the pool to ensure my kids were safe, and thinking a few steps ahead. For sure.
I have come to realize that this tension is part of being a parent. The goal wasn’t to completely clear my mind. The goal was to enjoy the moment while carrying the responsibility that came with it.
A Different Definition
The experience made me question some of the assumptions I had about presence.
Many of us imagine presence as giving our full attention to a single thing with absolutely no distractions.
But what does that look like for a single mom working two jobs? Or for a full-time student working around the clock to pay their tuition.
I don’t get to stop being a dad because I’m on vacation. Just like a doctor doesn’t stop being a doctor when they’re on call. Or an engineer doesn’t completely disconnect when they’re responsible for a critical system.
Life doesn’t come to a halt so we can become fully present. But maybe that’s the whole point.
Maybe the whole point of presence is giving your attention to what matters while holding your responsibilities.
When I think about presence now, I think of several characteristics:
Presence is participation
When you’re having dinner with a friend or loved one, being present means being locked in. Not only listening intently, but also engaging and asking questions. Presence by participation tells people in that moment, there is no place you would rather be.
Presence is also not going through the motions. For example, instead of asking a family member at the dinner table how their day was, ask them something thought provoking, such as “what made you laugh today?”or, “what genuinely excited you?” These types of questions not only foster active participation, but they create meaningful connections.
Presence is returning
Distractions happen. They’re inevitable. While my walks around the block are really good to clear my head, I still bring my phone. Why? Because life doesn’t stop. A kid might get sick at school. My wife might need me to pick up the kids because she’s running late. Something important might require my attention.
For a long time, I thought presence meant completely eliminating distractions. Now I see it as returning to the moment after the distraction. Returning to the walk. Returning to an engaging conversation. Returning to the book you were reading. Returning to the moment right in front of you.
Presence is imperfect
For a long time, I treated presence like a destination. If I could just clear my mind completely, focus really and truly on the moment, I would arrive.
But I never did.
Life kept happening. A question from teenager about if I could take him to the batting cage while I was writing a Substack note. Breaking up a daily disagreement between my boys as I’m trying to work out. An urgent call from the school saying my 6 year-old is sick and that I need to pick him up, as I’m focused on a work task requiring high concentration.
The older I get the more I realize presence is imperfect, especially for those with full lives and countless responsibilities. The more responsibilities, the more interruptions.
But maybe presence was never about having an empty mind, but rather embracing the interruptions from a life filled with people you love.
Presence is self-compassion
In the last 10-20 years, our brains have been greatly influenced by technology. We get endless “important” instant notifications, and it has become a challenge to separate noise from what is critical. Because of this, we are going to continue to get distracted. Our minds will continue to wander. A pop-up will distract us from doing something.
For a long time, I viewed distractions as failures. But now I see it differently.
Presence isn’t beating yourself up when you get distracted. It’s noticing you have drifted and gently returning. Being present for me means forgiving yourself and being compassionate.
If distractions are inevitable, then so is the opportunity to forgive yourself and come back to what matters.
A Father’s Day Reflection
As I write this on Father’s Day, I can’t help but smile at the irony.
Many of the moments that pull me away from the present come from the very people I most want to be present for. A question from one of my boys. A request to play catch. A ride to practice. An interruption that can’t wait.
For a long time, I viewed those moments as distractions. They pulled me away from whatever I was focused on at the time. But the older I get, the more I see them differently. Those interruptions are often reminders of what matters most. They are evidence of a life filled with people I love and responsibilities I care deeply about.
If presence is ultimately about paying attention to what matters, then maybe those interruptions were never interruptions at all. Maybe they were invitations or opportunities to shift my attention from what felt important in the moment to what is truly important in the long run.
Both / And is about making decisions you can live with.
Subscribe for weekly reflections on decisions, doubt, and living aligned.
I love this reflection, Kristian, because it really speaks to the depth of your humanity as a person and all that it involves. I believe presence is something you give from your heart, and it is in the moment. Presence does not have a requirement other than you are there and giving of yourself. You do not relinquish your responsibilities in that moment, but you balance your presence with them. This is such a great article because it shows the importance of being present on your terms. At the end of the day, that is all that matters. Happy Father's Day, my friend.
What struck me was the pool. The joy and the vigilance, held at the same time. I have felt that tension and never had words for it. You just gave me some.